That's What She Said!

*** continued from previous post ***

Here, before anything else came to mind, I thought, ‘Self? What the hell were you thinking? You have voluntarily put yourself and your precious bride in danger- once again - all to satisfy some morbid curiosity flitting round your brain. Oh curse you gray matter! Oh curse your inquisitive soul! And while we are on the subject what have the two of you done with my common sense?’

I decided to explain this to your mom so that I could launch a preemptive apology before she saw the bear, saw how close it was, saw the general direction it was loping, and she chose to use any of her numerous weapons to 'teach the idiot that had put her in this situation a lesson'.

Most lilkely stabby-stabby, but it could also be hitty-hitty, pokey-pokey, or my least favorite - burny-burny. I should have never given her that pocket blowtorch for her birthday. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be used against me. I was thinking a nice crème brouillette. Ah well. It was short, but a well lived life. I opened my mouth to explain the situation to your mom with calm and cool and composure, but what came out was. . . .

"Bear. Bear. BEAR!"

“Wha- . . .” her voice stopped mid word and then her brain digested what I'd said. ". . . bear? Where?" Her head swiveled in a lovely imitation of a woodland owl. "Where bear?"

"There bear." I pointed to a massive reddish-brown mass moving at an alarming gait, which I estimated to be just shy of the speed of light, down the hillside towards the cars, and unfortunately head-on towards your dear old Mum and Da.

"Gah!" Mom said.

So succinct. Such an economy of words. Yes. . . Gah, my dear. Gah indeed!

"Ummm. . ." I said. "MmmmGrrrk!"

Well that's odd, I thought. Evidently my ability to form actual words had been abandoned for a more primitive declaration of emotion.

"Oh my God. . . it's huge," Mom whispered, her helmet clinking against mine.

Without even thinking, and don't think less of me because you have to know this was an auto-response brought on by stress, my mouth opened and out came "That's what she said!"

"What?", Mom asked, genuinely befuddled.

"What?", I replied, staring at the beast, barely conscious of the fact that I had said anything at all.

Life never pauses as it does in the movies so you can take the time to discuss a situation to death. Before we could explore this conversational cul de sac, the bear stopped half-way down the hill. There she stood, surveying the bounty spread before her gigantic jaws in the form of thinly wrapped humans on a motorcycle.



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*** the journey continues ***