Here Kitty-Kitty
*** continued from previous post ***
The problem here is that there is really is only one animal that your mom is completely, thoroughly, and truly frightened of, on a primordial level. That's a cougar. She explains her fear thusly; "A cougar is really just a big cat. Right? Think about our cats. Little sweet kitties. Think about the way they behave. Now think about them weighing 150 pounds instead of 9 or 10. One moment they would be playing, the next they would kill and eat you. Eat you dead. Oh sure, they would feel bad afterwards, but they would still kill you and eat you just the same."
The problem is we all know she's 100 percent right.
Mom perked up immediately. "Did you say cougar?"
"Yeah," Stacy said. "A HUGE cougar. I mean, I've seen plenty of cats up here, but this one dwarfed them all."
Mom looked at me and I realized that this was probably one of the times that her look was dead serious.
"Anyway, this cougar kept hanging around the Lodge. Later we found out it was because it had killed a moose calf and buried it not 25 feet from where we're sitting." She pointed to a spot just off the outside deck.
"But we didn’t know that then. So, one morning we're having breakfast and we look outside and there's the cougar, just laying in the sun like it was a regular occurrence. Of course the guests and the staff all crowded around the windows to take a peek. I'd never seen one this close, you know? At least not in the wild. So we're standing there, oohing and ahhing over this gorgeous animal, when Donny looks out and sees there is this couple coming out from under the deck and WALKING RIGHT UP TO THE COUGAR! I mean right up! Like it was tame! Can you believe that?"
Okay, I'm an idiot, but not that big of an idiot. "Wow. That is completely insane. What did you guys do?"
"Well Donny made a bee-line for the door to the deck and opened his mouth to scream at the two to get the hell out of there, but thought better of it because he didn't want to startle the cat."
Yes. Good idea. The only thing worse than a cougar is a startled cougar. As I understand it, they don't take getting punked well. Not well at all. That's why you never see them on Ashton Kucher's show. Or at scary movies. Or at a GOP convention.
"So Donny," she continues, "in as gentle a voice as he can muster under the circumstances says 'What the hell are you doing?' to the couple. At this point, they're like 10 feet away and getting closer, cooing and saying things like 'nice kitty', 'pretty kitty'. It was unbelievable. They told Donny that it was okay, they weren't going to harm the cat."
She stopped for a moment looking back and forth to your mom and me. "Really. That's what they said." She shook her head. You could tell that although she had probably told this story dozens of times it still shocked her. "We aren't going to harm the cat."
"What did Donny do?" I asked.
"Well, Donny is an old Navy boy. So he let loose with a string of words that would peel paint off the wall. I guess the last thing he said was, 'Fuck the cat. You guys are two seconds away from being shredded. Now back away slowly and get the hell out of there because I don't want to have to clean up the mess!' We watched them leave after that, although they seemed reluctant."
"People never cease to amaze me," Mom said.
"What did the cat do?" I asked.
"Just kind of yawned and stretched like it was bored with the whole thing. After about 5 minutes it got up and walked into the forest."
"Wow," Mom said.
"Yeah. It was intense.” Stacy shook her head as if coming out of a dream. “Anyway, can I get you guys anything?"
"Nope," I replied, "I think we're good. Just bring the coffee around every once in a while.
I'll be trouncing Suzanne in cribbage this afternoon, and I need to be alert."
Stacy smiled. "Okay, but take it easy on her now."
"Well, if I have too," I said.
"In your dreams mister," Mom added.
Buy The Book At Amazon! $19.95
Kindle Version $ 4.99
Nook $4.99
*** the journey continues ***
The problem here is that there is really is only one animal that your mom is completely, thoroughly, and truly frightened of, on a primordial level. That's a cougar. She explains her fear thusly; "A cougar is really just a big cat. Right? Think about our cats. Little sweet kitties. Think about the way they behave. Now think about them weighing 150 pounds instead of 9 or 10. One moment they would be playing, the next they would kill and eat you. Eat you dead. Oh sure, they would feel bad afterwards, but they would still kill you and eat you just the same."
The problem is we all know she's 100 percent right.
Mom perked up immediately. "Did you say cougar?"
"Yeah," Stacy said. "A HUGE cougar. I mean, I've seen plenty of cats up here, but this one dwarfed them all."
Mom looked at me and I realized that this was probably one of the times that her look was dead serious.
"Anyway, this cougar kept hanging around the Lodge. Later we found out it was because it had killed a moose calf and buried it not 25 feet from where we're sitting." She pointed to a spot just off the outside deck.
"But we didn’t know that then. So, one morning we're having breakfast and we look outside and there's the cougar, just laying in the sun like it was a regular occurrence. Of course the guests and the staff all crowded around the windows to take a peek. I'd never seen one this close, you know? At least not in the wild. So we're standing there, oohing and ahhing over this gorgeous animal, when Donny looks out and sees there is this couple coming out from under the deck and WALKING RIGHT UP TO THE COUGAR! I mean right up! Like it was tame! Can you believe that?"
Okay, I'm an idiot, but not that big of an idiot. "Wow. That is completely insane. What did you guys do?"
"Well Donny made a bee-line for the door to the deck and opened his mouth to scream at the two to get the hell out of there, but thought better of it because he didn't want to startle the cat."
Yes. Good idea. The only thing worse than a cougar is a startled cougar. As I understand it, they don't take getting punked well. Not well at all. That's why you never see them on Ashton Kucher's show. Or at scary movies. Or at a GOP convention.
"So Donny," she continues, "in as gentle a voice as he can muster under the circumstances says 'What the hell are you doing?' to the couple. At this point, they're like 10 feet away and getting closer, cooing and saying things like 'nice kitty', 'pretty kitty'. It was unbelievable. They told Donny that it was okay, they weren't going to harm the cat."
She stopped for a moment looking back and forth to your mom and me. "Really. That's what they said." She shook her head. You could tell that although she had probably told this story dozens of times it still shocked her. "We aren't going to harm the cat."
"What did Donny do?" I asked.
"Well, Donny is an old Navy boy. So he let loose with a string of words that would peel paint off the wall. I guess the last thing he said was, 'Fuck the cat. You guys are two seconds away from being shredded. Now back away slowly and get the hell out of there because I don't want to have to clean up the mess!' We watched them leave after that, although they seemed reluctant."
"People never cease to amaze me," Mom said.
"What did the cat do?" I asked.
"Just kind of yawned and stretched like it was bored with the whole thing. After about 5 minutes it got up and walked into the forest."
"Wow," Mom said.
"Yeah. It was intense.” Stacy shook her head as if coming out of a dream. “Anyway, can I get you guys anything?"
"Nope," I replied, "I think we're good. Just bring the coffee around every once in a while.
I'll be trouncing Suzanne in cribbage this afternoon, and I need to be alert."
Stacy smiled. "Okay, but take it easy on her now."
"Well, if I have too," I said.
"In your dreams mister," Mom added.
Buy The Book At Amazon! $19.95
Kindle Version $ 4.99
Nook $4.99
*** the journey continues ***
posted by David M at
9:37 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Keep it nice or I release the Zombies.
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home